With a leap of faith

Last summer, or actually last spring, when I was living in my mom’s garage in a tent that my sister had set up and outfitted with a futon and lamp, wall hangings and rugs, a duvet, chair — everything to make a bedroom, I broke up with my girlfriend. I was in love with her but she lived far away and I didn’t know how to make it work and I was trying to make as much space as I could to be in Oregon with my mom. We talked on the phone for hours the night of our breakup. Both of us crying and broken and sad and uncertain. And my mom patiently watched and then comforted me. The next morning I had to wake up at 4 to catch a flight in Eugene. When I unzipped the tent and walked to the sun porch I was surprised to see my mom sitting there smoking and waiting for me. She wanted to make sure that I wasn’t alone that morning, that she could see me off into the early early morning. This is something that we had always done both the saying goodbye and taking care to be there when one or the other would go. A theme that defined our relationship over its last 20 years.

Of course, that was the exact reason that we were there with her those months. We wanted to see her off in the late parts of her life. We wanted to make sure she was comfortable and most importantly loved and not alone.

So, I flew back to Vancouver for work and came back to Oregon a week later, exhausted. When I unzipped the tent, lying on my pillow was the poem transcribed below. The anniversary of her death is a few days away. The sun is achieving the same angle in the sky and the winds are unsettled once again as another warm season closes. Snow will come soon, putting a new white blanket on everything as it did last year this time. But I still dream about her almost every night. I still hold that bubble of time spent with her in my heart gently so as not to allow it to break. I guess I still mourn for her every day even when I don’t know I’m doing it. So, for the anniversary of my mom’s death here are some of her own words.

With a leap of faith
knowing
what is best for
his own sweet soul,
He accessed the glorious
wave bearing down
on him
And he took it,
paddling with all his
strength/worth for
He focussed
And arrived safely
and a whole man
Clean and smiling

I love you mom. I miss you.

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