I dream about her every night. I think it’s a reminder to keep watch. To never forget the attentiveness that I gave to her life and her self and the attentiveness I gave to my own life and my own self during that last year of hers. It really was the first time that I dropped everything and did what I felt, within my deepest core, needed to be done and was right. And now time is lowering a veil over that clarity and the mindfulness isn’t automatic or visceral any more. I’m throwing selfish wrenches in once beautiful machinery while forgetting to protect my own needs because now, the balance between those things (selfishness and self protection) is less obvious. So I sit, alone, at 2 AM, with a headache. I’m going to go comfort her now and comfort myself and try to keep looking forward.